Two Sides to the Same Coin--Loosening up

Once, years ago, my sister and I found a golf ball in our yard.  My sister, being an inquisitive creature, was curious as to what was inside.  And I, who idealized my big sister at the time, went along with it.  Since it was her idea, and was she was better at sawing, had at it with a hack saw.  After opening the hard shell we found what appeared to be yards and yards of rubber bands wound tightly around a hard rubber core.  We found that interesting, that what is essentially a rubber ball would not float, but soon forgot about it as most girls our age would.

Fast forward a few decades as I try to recover what is left of my sanity, after years of finding my name in the dictionary of alcohol co-dependency, I remembered that golf ball.  It reminded me of the way I feel.  A hard shell on the outside, and inside, tightly wound and  unable to float, despite the fact that rubber is usually a buoyant substance.  Yep, that is me, impenetrable, tightly wound and sinking like a rock.

Recently though,  I have begun to loosen up and I am starting to float slowly to the surface and keep my virtual head above water. I find it possible to breathe now.

Thinking about that golf ball brings to my mind the two recovery methods that seem to be polar opposites.  One line of thought says that to find some serenity, you must get out of yourself.  The other side of the coin says that you must focus on yourself.  That kind of inconstancy has the potential to make my head explode.

But I think I seem to have finally figured it out.    As long as I am like that tightly wound golf ball, I am into myself.  I am so tightly wound that I can not see anything beyond my own circle.   When I loosen up and float to the surface of the sea of life, my eyes clear.  I can see others as well as myself.


I'm not really sure how focusing on myself can be good for others, but I can see it happening all the time.  Positive changes do seem to happen.  I guess it has a lot to do with letting go of others and letting them take care of themselves.  If I keep the focus on myself, I don't have room in my brain for taking on the responsibility for the happiness of others.  God knows I have a hard enough time making myself happy.  It makes sense to me anyway.