Humility Ponderings Revisited

I have been thinking about humility lately. And I have come to the conclusion that a dictionary definition of the word is only about a fourth or less of what humility is.  The dictionary says humility is "a modest or low view of one's own importance" Hmmm, this dictionary says to me that you have to degrade yourself in order to be humble.

 I don't like that one at all. I'll try another.  Yes, I like Merriam-Websters definition better:  the quality or state of not thinking you are better than other people.  OK, better. but its still only about a fourth true.

A big part of humility is realizing my power--or lack there of.   I  have no control over anything; the seasons changing, the world spinning or the,  stars shining. I have no control over another human being either. I could  try by using death threats or torture, but ultimately what  another does is their choice, not mine.

I must revisit this humility blog entry now, because I learned something today.    I have spent most of my life feeling squashed and overlooked, a powerless victim.  Then suddenly a thought came to me that thinking of myself as a victim just might be a cock-eyed form of arrogance.   By seeing myself as a victim I am being blind to my part in the conflict.  I choose the victim role.


Maybe, true humility is simply finding your place in the hierarchy of the universe. Or maybe it is simply faith.



  


The photos of last nights " blood moon" lunar eclipse brought to me a strong sense of humility.
 
 Years ago I had the same thoughts and came up and I wrote this this poem.

The Extent of Infinity

 

I look up to the sky and see

Infinity,

To my side I see forever.

How small we are next to this

Vast nothingness.

Is there no end to infinity?

How can the universe extend beyond all limits of geometry?

Why do we try to magnify ourselves by talking proud,

When we are nothing?

What good are we to the existence of

Time, space, eternity?

Who are we to say that one is inferior?

To the extent of infinity, 

Aren't we all?

Weird as Armor

I'm pondering again.  This time I am pondering whether or not my S.O.  is getting weirder by the day or if I am getting less weird.

I always felt that I didn't fit in and that I must have been defective in some way.  While growing up the other kids had their idea of normal and I wasn't it. It seemed that every time I found something within myself that I thought was socially acceptable, I was shot down either by God, or by someone who thought they were.

So I decided that since I didn't have a choice in the matter, I would make weirdness my armor. It made me feel like I choose to be the social outcast I thought I was. If someone said I was weird I would have said "thank you".  I think that is why I (as the song from Hair says,) let  my "freak flag fly" .  Being weird gave me something to hide behind.  It gave me the reason I was looking for, as to why I was me, and that if nobody liked how I was, I could make them think I choose to be a non-conformist.   The armor did its job.   It protected me.  I know now that I was embracing the personal power and I didn't even know I had. 

I have found out that, like it or not, I'm just not that weird. I do fit in.  I can take off my armor.  But,

I have worn my armor for so many years that parts of it have begun to take root.  I may bleed if remove it too quickly.  Its removal has to be a gradual process.

There is a lot to be said for individuality, and I don't want to become just another drop in the bucket of humanity either.   There are some perks to being weird.  I think my own special weirdness may be  my humor or my creativity.

 

Its a question of balance.  My happy place is somewhere in the middle between dull and weird.