I have come to realize that marriage is a partnership and that it rides on a balance of power. I think most successful partnerships do.
I was relatively happy most of the time, taking care of the house, cleaning up after everyone, cooking, gardening, redecorating, keeping the bills paid, doing laundry taking care of the kiddo, mowing the lawn, and on occasion staining the deck. I didn't really mind doing all of this, I regarded it as my job. I did all of this contentedly since my spouse brought home the bacon. After all, I was the one with time on my hands. We had a marvelous balance of power going. I had my own little castle that I was queen of. The only other living things here were the cats and we got along fine if I'd just let them in and out the door a million times. I was the model house wife, as was my spouse he was the model husband. Ward and June Cleaver--that was us.
Ah, but then it all came to a vile end. He lost his job through no fault of his own, the company was sold. He no longer was bringing home the bacon. The vile part came with alcoholism, in all fairness I will say my para-alcoholism or co-dependency played its part in the vileness too. The word vile sounds a lot like violent doesn't it? I wonder if they are from the same root.... It doesn't appear so. Our situation was on the doorstep of violence.
I'm beginning to think that personal rights go out of the window when marriage vows fly in. I have said this before, and it makes more sense to me all the time. At the dawn of man, humans only lived maybe 30 years (I'm guessing here). That was time enough to raise children in a household with 2 adults working to keep the little ones out of the way of mammoths and abominable snowmen, and then the old 30-year-old parents died, probably of exhaustion. Life expectancy now is about 80 years, children are more-or-less grown by the time a person reaches 40 or so. After children are gone, that leaves another 40 years to (do what?) explore life and what it means to be human. (yea medical science!) Don't get me wrong, I think it is wonderful if couples can live in harmony past child rearing, retirement and beyond. I don't think it is unreasonable to believe otherwise either.
I keep picturing that yin-yang symbol thing all melted Picasso-like and piling up on the bottom of the circle. That is how I see my marriage at the moment. His job collapsing, in essence took my job from me too. He needs to do something, and the only thing he can see to do, was once part of my job. We are both crowding into the yin. Serenity and balance seem too much to ask. But here I am, sticking it out. It will take courage and vigilance to keep remembering to keep the focus on me. I must not forget my personal rights.
How can we get back in balance? I have no idea. Will we ever get back in balance? I really hope so. Two things I know for sure, 1. I'm tired of leading the Cleaver's life. 2. I have become accustomed to my castle. I have lived in a fantasy world for 60 years. Now what?
