Two Sides to the Same Coin--Loosening up

Once, years ago, my sister and I found a golf ball in our yard.  My sister, being an inquisitive creature, was curious as to what was inside.  And I, who idealized my big sister at the time, went along with it.  Since it was her idea, and was she was better at sawing, had at it with a hack saw.  After opening the hard shell we found what appeared to be yards and yards of rubber bands wound tightly around a hard rubber core.  We found that interesting, that what is essentially a rubber ball would not float, but soon forgot about it as most girls our age would.

Fast forward a few decades as I try to recover what is left of my sanity, after years of finding my name in the dictionary of alcohol co-dependency, I remembered that golf ball.  It reminded me of the way I feel.  A hard shell on the outside, and inside, tightly wound and  unable to float, despite the fact that rubber is usually a buoyant substance.  Yep, that is me, impenetrable, tightly wound and sinking like a rock.

Recently though,  I have begun to loosen up and I am starting to float slowly to the surface and keep my virtual head above water. I find it possible to breathe now.

Thinking about that golf ball brings to my mind the two recovery methods that seem to be polar opposites.  One line of thought says that to find some serenity, you must get out of yourself.  The other side of the coin says that you must focus on yourself.  That kind of inconstancy has the potential to make my head explode.

But I think I seem to have finally figured it out.    As long as I am like that tightly wound golf ball, I am into myself.  I am so tightly wound that I can not see anything beyond my own circle.   When I loosen up and float to the surface of the sea of life, my eyes clear.  I can see others as well as myself.


I'm not really sure how focusing on myself can be good for others, but I can see it happening all the time.  Positive changes do seem to happen.  I guess it has a lot to do with letting go of others and letting them take care of themselves.  If I keep the focus on myself, I don't have room in my brain for taking on the responsibility for the happiness of others.  God knows I have a hard enough time making myself happy.  It makes sense to me anyway.

Day and Night

Day and Night

In the peaceful calm

Of the morning

When only the birds are awake

I think that I could be happy

With only a chair,

A tree

And a place to lay my weary head at night.

But sometimes when it's dark

And I am weary,

Night demons come.

They taunt  me.

They dance and point their long bony fingers at me,

And declare me guilty.

When dawn comes once again

I realize

That those demons

Have no power over me,

And I am still strong.

A Place for Peace

Walking alone in the darkness

I see nothing all around me,

Only darkness.

Walking slowly, for I have no destination,

A little frightened, but that is my nature.

My fears are drawn out by the calmness

Peace.


But, alas, signs of civilization,

Bright lights, buildings,

Out of the darkness I begin to shiver,

I feel the cold and hatred around me.


I stop to find a place to escape this troubled world,

but there is no place

For calm or

Peace.


Sadly, I turn toward my home

But when I go in

There is no cold,

There is no hatred,

Even with bright lights,

There is warmth

And love.

And as I nestle within the love of my family,

There is calm

Peace .

My own Worst Enemy

I am my own worst enemy, I realize this.  Most of the time what I perceive is not  verbalized.  But what I perceive is still an honest feeling in  my heart.   I am fully aware that I am judging myself. And since that is the case,  my unhappiness is my own damn fault. 

The perception may not actually be spoken in words, but it is enough to influence the judge.  The judge is different version of  myself.  She pounds that gavel and declares me guilty of blame and get I my sentence of another year's hard time.  I take my judgement helplessly and accept my fate.  Thus I am a victim of myself.

I don't want to take the blame for everything, it makes me feel like a worm.  Worms are OK creatures, I think they are kind of cute, actually, but after all, they live in the mud.  I have evolved and I have no desire to live in the mud.  (Or go camping,-- (although I used to like camping a few years ago. ))  So why do I keep condemning myself to slither in the mud?  I may never know.

I keep hearing, one of the keys to happiness is to focus on yourself.  That is difficult when the judge that is me is being influenced, by someone telling her how selfish I am.


...
I'm only trying to get me some peace!
Christ, you know it ain't easy,
You know how hard it can be...

                                                                (John Lennon gets credit for those lines)


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