The Call of Isolation

Isolation is constantly calling to me. Like a black hole in space, it tries to suck me in.  Events in my childhood taught me that isolating myself was safe, being around people was not. Not unlike alcohol to the alcoholic, isolation was the solution to all my problems
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Isolation  is a hard demon to beat because it can be  very empowering. I lived happily lived in isolation for decades. It is a luxury that not everyone can afford. I could come and go where I wanted, when the mood struck me. I could be my own boss and work (or not) from home, choosing my own hours, nobody complained when I took rest breaks. My house was always relatively clean and I got very skillful at crafts. If I made a mistake, I could easily forgive myself.  Me and my cats got along splendidly. But I was basically alone in my fortress.

I always had access to a car, but I didn't drive unless I had to.  On the rare occasions when I had go out, the thought of driving terrified me.  My heart would race and I'd grip the steering wheel til my   knuckles turned white.  

I'm much better now. I drive without as much fear, I even quietly cuss out cars and trucks that get in my way, just like a normal person!

I have not gotten completely away from the pull of isolation.  My motto is progress not perfection. For now I'll take cussing traffic as a good thing.

With the help of new found friends, I realized that I was actually imprisoning myself. I  "lived my life in chains, and I never even knew I had the key"*

                                           *this is a line from an old Eagles song, titled Already Gone (I think).